Will you understand? Part I
by LuKEN
Summary: Set right after the last hour of S1. Tony's POV. Part I in three chapters. Sequel coming up...
1. chapter 1

Author's note: Alright, I wrote this two months ago while spending part of my summer in France. Got a bit carried away with the two and it ended up in this semi-romance kinda thing but I guess that's what France does to you

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**Chapter I**

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"Don't do it, Jack."

The words came nearly as a whisper, Tony's voice weak as he was begging the man he had just gained respect for throughout this crazy day not to shoot the woman standing between them.

The gun still pointed at her head, his hand steady at her throat, Jack cast a quick gaze at Tony. And maybe there was a faint trace of compassion or pity somewhere there, but it was buried under all the rage and anger glowing so dominantly in his eyes.

_Don't shoot her_, Tony's own eyes pleaded while the rest of his body went stiff and numb, unable to even lift a hand or make any gesture to underline his request. He couldn't move, he couldn't think. Later on he would convince himself he had only asked Jack to spare her life because of the consequences for Jack himself. But deep down he would always know, even though he would never admit it to himself or anyone else, that he had done it because he loved her, despite everything she had done and he knew of now, a part of him had still held on to her.

Finally Mason managed to get through to Jack and he let go off her. Pulling his hand away, he dropped her like a waste bag and she slid down the car door and sank to the ground, only to be brought to her feet again by two other agents. Shoved up against the same door one more time, getting her hands cuffed behind her back, Nina was finally forced to look his direction and Tony tried to catch her gaze, look into her eyes and search for an explanation. An answer. A denial even. Anything. But she avoided him, staring past him, her expression a cold and solid look, hiding any emotion that might boil inside her. Limping slightly she was let away and he couldn't but stare after her, realizing a part of him being taken away, dying right there in CTU's subterranean garage. Where could he go from here? How?

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When he had started to work with her - for her, to be exact - he had mostly been intimidated. Attracted, without a doubt and right away. Besides her looks, she was smart and intelligent and stronger in her character than any woman he had met before. But not only did she seem so self-assure and tough, she also hid herself so well behind her professionalism and her work that he didn't even know how to approach her on a non-work-related level. He was familiar with every move she made inside the CTU building, every gesture or look, the varying tone of her voice depending on who she was adressing or what they were talking about. But he had no idea how she moved outside the office, how she dressed in her leisure time or what her face looked like while buying groceries.

The only times when he could glimpse a different side of her was when he saw her talking to Jack. Not often, just sometimes, when they seemed a little closer, a little more intimate. She would have that caring touch to her face, covering that hurt expression in her eyes. Beyond the hard shell, he was sure, she could be soft and sensitive, fragile even, maybe weak. She didn't give herself away, excellent at holding her ground, but he could see it, tell by the way she was hurting. And as the short fling between the CTU director and his second-in-command was an open secret, it didn't take long for Tony to catch up with the office gossip and understand why she could be so different with Jack.

He told himself right away to let it pass, get her out of his mind and move on. Whatever had been going on between her and Jack, she was obviously not over it yet and if he had to get involved with someone at work, it should at least be worth the trouble.

But a part of him didn't stop telling him she was worth all the trouble. All the trouble and more. He tried to ignore that voice, tried not to pay attention to her any more than their work relation required, to set his eyes on someone else - but it didn't work.

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He had finally finished things up for the day and was ready to go home. Home to a quick shower, some food maybe and some time in front of the TV set and his bed. It was late again and casting his eyes round the room, Tony wondered why everybody else managed to leave much earlier than him.

Not everybody exactly, he noticed, looking over to Nina's work station. She was not at her place but her computer still running, her jacket hanging over her chair, it was obvious she was still around. And it wasn't hard to figure out where.

Glancing up to the director's office, Tony spotted her standing next to Jack's desk. Her arms folded she was standing upright, giving short comments or simply nodding or shaking her head occasionally. Her face expression was purely business-like and Tony couldn't help but feel relief. He had never understood why she should be affected to Jack Bauer of all people. Bauer had a way of delegating things that Tony more than disapproved of. Not only was he ignoring or breaking the rules constantly, his way of withholding key information - as if no one else was good enough or worth to be trusted - was undermining his staff and endangering everybody working for him. Sooner or later he would make a mistake and somebody would have to pay the prize. Someone always did. Tony could only hope it wouldn't be Nina. She was covering for Jack way too often.

Still watching her next to Jack, Tony noticed the change in her expression as the two of them seemed to get into a debate. She was angry. He could see her shaking her head and contradict or protest, replying to something Jack must have said. He had no idea how she could still work with him. For him even. After everything he had put her through. Undermining her credibility and reputation at work, the humiliation of making her the sad headline to the coffee break news. Besides the disapproval of Bauer's working methods, Tony felt a strong distaste for the man on a personal level as well. He knew that feeling was feeding on jealousy, but it was not completely irrational. _You just don't treat people that way._

Finally Nina seemed to have had enough. Glaring at Jack, she made a last remark before she turned to leave. Not storming out like a drama queen but walking out with her back straight and her chin upright.

Tony could only see the back of Jack's head as he was staring after her, but he imagined his expression with satisfaction. He'd seen it before. Those stupid blue puppy eyes following her, full of regret and pleading for forgiveness. If it was for Tony to decide, he would never get it.

_You screwed up, Jack, you really did. You never deserved her in the first place and then you dumped her, treating her like shit. Sooner or later she will see that too and then you're done, you stupid bastard._

He watched her coming down the stairs and the warm feeling of satisfaction vanished as she arrived at her desk, angrily throwing a file onto the desk. Sitting down and bringing her hands to her temples, she looked tired and exhausted and he wanted nothing more but to comfort her. But she had never given any sign that she wanted him too. Or anyone else for that matter.

_Oh what the hell_, he thought and got up, thinking about what to say while walking over. She didn't look up until he was standing right in front of her desk. Hiding her emotions perfectly she gave him a completely neutral look.

"What is it, Tony?"

"Ah...I just finished those reports you asked me to send?"

"Good," she said, looking right into his eyes and Tony had to hide some emotions himself.

"So...I think I'm heading out for today."

"Okay," she replied, giving him the hunch of a critical look as if saying: _and you came over just to tell me that?_

_Now or never_, he thought to himself.

"I was gonna go for a drink somewhere and was wondering if you might wanna come along?" he asked, taking his eyes off of her and scanning the room. A habit he could never get rid off. "I would have asked someone else, but it seems we are the only ones left," he added in an attempt to make it look less like an approach, but noticing instantly the sentence hadn't come out the right way. He didn't want it to sound like she was second or even last choice, but more explanations would only make it even worse so he just shut up, awaiting her rejection which followed inevitably.

"Ah, thank you, Tony, but...I think I just wanna go home, take a shower and go to bed."

He finally met her eyes again and after a short moment he just nodded. "See you tomorrow then."

Letting his gaze wonder around the room again as if to emphasize the casualty of his actions, he walked back to his station, not noticing how her gaze was following him. At least she had spared him a meaningful look towards Jack's office along with her rejection, he thought.

Sighing inwardly, he started cleaning his desk and paid the men's room a last visit before grabbing his coat and heading for the exit. Against his intentions he couldn't but throw a glance at her station again. She was gone.

His first reaction was to look up to Jack's office again but the head of CTU was alone, sitting at his desk and talking on the phone. Sighing once again Tony headed for the car park.

Leaving the building, he heard it before he caught sight of her. The car didn't start and he could tell by the way she tried over and over again that she was hardly in control of her anger any longer. Usually she would be much too rational for such a reaction. She would simply accept her car had broken down and find another way to get home.

Stopping on his way, he watched her getting out of the car and slamming the door shut angrily. She wasn't the one to curse but he was sure she was close. Standing there, just a few steps out of the building, he felt caught watching her when her head suddenly turned around and she had spotted him. He resumed walking and took some steps towards her.

"Need some help?" he called.

"No. I'm fine," she objected, turning back to the car and getting her cell phone out of her pocket.

"I could give you a ride," he offered as he was only a few steps away from her but she didn't deign to look at him, holding the phone to her ear, waiting for whoever it was to pick up. Tony waited in silence, pretending not to notice her irritation.

Finally she gave up and cancelled the call, glaring at the phone as if everything was the device's fault.

"Might be hard to get someone to come out here now. Why don't you just leave the car here and someone can take a look at it tomorrow?"

"Tony," she called out, still not looking at him, "I said I'm fine."

He nodded but didn't make a move to turn around and go. _Why not?_

"Want me to leave?" he asked instead, his voice still soft and gentle, ignoring her brusqueness. And his patience seemed to pay off.

He watched her breathing out heavily and bending her head a bit to one side, her features displaying surrender washing away the anger and irritation. She lowered her gaze quickly to the ground before turning around and raising her eyes again to face him.

"I'm sorry," she said. As simple as that. And looked at him like she really meant it.

Now it was his turn to quickly glance away. "Don't be," he said, shaking his head slightly before looking into her eyes again. "You WANT a ride?"

And she gave him something that equaled the idea of a tired smile. "Yeah."

"Then let's go," he said, making a gesture towards his car and they started walking. He realized how calm he was. Not once had he been thinking about what to say or how to act in front of her. It had just felt right, like walking a path where every step had already been marked and reckoned. He couldn't get lost. _Like sleep-walking._

They got into the car and he waited for her to tell him where to go. They drove in silence and he had expected it to be akward, but he enjoyed just sitting next to her. Side-glancing at her every now and then, watching her looking out of the window, staring into space, lost in her thoughts, he felt comfortable.

"I'm sorry I was so harsh earlier," she said, her voice softer now. "It's just been a long day."

He gave her a quick look and a weak smile. _Not different from any other day. And tomorrow won't be different either and neither the day after that._

Eventually he pulled into her street and stopped the car in front of an apartment complex. _So this is where you live. This is what you return to every night. To do what? Sit and think about how life could be? About Jack? Wishing for him to come back to you? Wishing it had never happened?_

The clicking sound of her seat belt brought him back and still looking over to the apartment house, wondering which door was hers, he heard himself saying: "When I said I would have asked someone else but that you were the only one left, I didn't mean that..."

"I know," she cut him off. "I know what you meant, Tony."

He looked down at his hands lying on the steering wheel, feeling her gaze on his cheek.

"And I appreciate it." She paused. "Maybe some other time," she added then.

"Right," he said mockingly. "Look, I didn't tell you that to make you feel awkward. I got it the first time. It's just...I wished you wouldn't let him do that to you."

Realization spread over her face and her features hardened. "Tony, if by that you mean what I think you do - it's really none of your business."

He sighed, forcing himself to look at her. "Yeah, I know. I know it's none of my business. Coz if it was...," he started but stopped himself. "Never mind."

But she didn't let it go. "Then what, Tony?" Gone was the softness in her voice and if it wasn't for her tiredness she would probably sound a lot more angry or sharp than she already did.."What do you know? Don't believe everything people say. And what do you care anyway?"

"What do I care?" he asked surprised. _I thought that was pretty obvious._He didn't feel to comfortable putting himself out there like that, but he reckoned he had already passed the point of no return anyway. "I care every time you get the blame for something he screwed up. I care every time someone is talking behind your back. I care every time you look like tonight. And I care every time he doesn't appreciate you as a member of his staff or as a person." He stared into her eyes, realizing he had gotten all worked up in this and from her surprised face expression he took it that he was the one looking angry now. _And now you will probably tell me to beat it._

He turned away and stared over to the apartment house. _Congratulations, Almeida. You just blew it. Not that you had much of a chance anyway, but now you made sure you really don't._ He expected her to say something, to give one of her sharp remarks or just get out of the car without a word, but she didn't and when he turned back to face her again he found her still staring at him. And there was something in her eyes that told him he was wrong. He hadn't blown it. Not exactly.

"What do you mean when I look like tonight?"

"Tired," he said. "Sad. Exhausted." Hurt, he had wanted to say, but swallowed it. "Look, I'm sorry. I just wished there was anything I could do."

"Tell me to get another job," she tried to joke and turned her face back to him with a slight sarcastic smile. "It's not that I don't appreciate people telling me I look worn out, Tony."

He smiled at her remark and she couldn't but give him a faint but real smile in return. That moment he knew what he had never let himself hope for. He actually had a chance.

"And I feel flattered you care that much but..." she continued.

"Look," he took his turn in cutting her off. "If you tell me you are not interested at all, I'll back off. Just like that. But if not..." She looked at him skeptically and he wanted nothing more but to stretch out his hand and touch her. Struggling for his self control he was magnetized by her eyes. "I know whatever it is between you and Jack is not really over yet. But, I can deal with that. All I'm asking for is a chance."

She didn't say anything, just returned his gaze in silence and after a long moment she finally moved. Reaching for the door handle she took her eyes off him, turned and just like that got out of the car and walked over to the house without once looking back.

She left him puzzled and confused and while driving home he tried to figure out what just had happened. But he couldn't make his mind up about how exactly to interpret the way she had left him.

The next day at work she didn't act any different, as if nothing had happened the night before. But for some reason he didn't let it bother him too much. He knew it was her turn to either make a move or not. So he waited. Doing all the assignments she gave him, writing or sending whatever report she asked him to and life just went on as usual. Until Friday afternoon.

He had finished a report she needed to sign and went over to show it to her. While she went through the pages with a slight frown on her face, he stood next to her and waited.

"That chance you were talking about," she said without looking up, "what exactly did you have in mind?"

She caught him by surprise and he quickly glanced around, finding no one near enough to overhear their conversation. Still seeming to study the report, her voice and face were all business-like as if she had asked him for some specifics. He quickly followed her lead and pretended to refer to a paragraph on the page she was reading.

"I would pick you up?" he suggested, his voice just a bit lower than usual, just in case. "Tomorrow? Eight o'clock?"

She nodded as if comprehending his explanation and got her pen to put her name under the report. "Okay, that's settled then," she said and handed him the report, giving him just the short look of approval one would expect, as if to thank him for getting the assignment done. Then she turned around and walked back to her work station.

Standing in the middle of the ground level, his eyes followed her a second or two before he became aware of his surroundings. Glancing once more around to make sure no one had witnessed their little tete-a-tete, he walked back to his own desk, suppressing a smile. He felt like whistling.


	2. chapter 2

**Chapter II**

The sound of a door falling shut brought him back. Everybody else had left and it was just him standing next to the demolished car Nina had been dragged out of. Just him. Alone, abandoned, broken. Closing his eyes, he could still see her face, but not the way he used to. When he was thinking of her, missing her, longing for her. Then he would close his eyes and her features would take shape in his mind. First of all her eyes, green and intense, always seducing him to get lost in them. Her cheek bones, the color and softness of her skin, her lips and mouth and finally her chin. He would picture her face displaying different emotions, each one of them characterizing the different sides of her. His superior, Nina Myers, federal agent. And the person she became when she was with him and only him, Nina Myers, his lover or girlfriend. They hadn't really discussed the definition. But the image he saw now was that of a whole different person. Her eyes cold and empty in her motionless face, she seemed as unfamiliar as if he had never met her before. The stranger, Nina Myers, the traitor.

He had seen the evidence. The surveillance camera's recording of how she had killed Jamey. He knew she had really done all these things. Given Drazen information. Worked against Jack and everyone at CTU, trying to set him up and get him killed. Endangered his family and nearly helped to kill Teri and Kim. Helped assassins in their attempt to kill the president. She had lied, betrayed and killed. He knew it. His brain did.

Still, he couldn't believe it.

And what had she done to him? His mind kept revisiting single incidents of today's events. How she had been standing next to him just about an hour ago, telling him she didn't feel like she was doing her job, like she wasn't helping people. Had that just been another brilliant performance to maintain her cover? Or a sick and cruel way of playing with him? Or had she really been honest in a twisted way? Had her betrayal caused her pain and doubts?

He shook his head and started walking, towards the door and the elevator. It didn't matter. It didn't matter cause it didn't change a thing. Angrily he opened the door and left the garage. It didn't matter, considering who she was. What she was. What she had done. She had killed Jamey and the security guard right there were Tony was standing now. In cold blood, within a heartbeat, without blinking, without regret. He couldn't forget her eyes on the recording, her gaze as she had stared up into the camera. Only minutes before she had walked into the same room again with him, acting like she was in shock, pretending to nearly break. Standing next to him, watching the paramedics work, her one hand up in the air, playing with her fingers. A nervous habit she had. As if she had to struggle not to lean against his shoulder or bury her head in his chest. He surely had struggled not to place his arm around her.

He hit the button for the elevator, reliving all the memories. The way she had acted around Jack, around him, around everyone. Making them all believe she wasn't over Jack yet, that she still had feelings and would do everything for him. Like a lion mother protecting her babies. No one would have suspected her and no one did until the evidence had been on the table. The perfect show, the perfect cover. Had it all been an act? Everything? Entirely?

The doors opened and he stepped into the elevator. He really didn't want to go back. He didn't want to face Jack, George or anyone of CTU. He didn't want to see Kim or Teri, didn't want to see Jamey's desk. He didn't want to face any destruction Nina had caused. And the least of all he wanted to see her empty work station, triggering only more thoughts and images.

But he had to, he knew it. So he pushed the button and feeling the elevator starting to make its way up, he closed his eyes and felt a new wave of memories washing over him.

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He was lying in bed, his head propped up on his elbow and watching her sleep. She looked so beautiful and he had to control himself not to touch her. Not to let his hand caress her cheek, let his fingers travel her skin, assuring himself she was really there. Lying next to him in his bed, sound asleep at 3.15 in the morning.

They had been dating for a while. The first time a saturday, three days after that ride in his car. He had taken her to a cozy little latino bar with live music and if she had been surprised that he seemed to know everyone she hadn't let it show. But she had a little later when he had gotten up and excused himself from the table and followed an invitation to join the band. Sitting on the tiny stage between the other musicians and playing the guitar, he had felt her eyes on him and strangely enough it hadn't made him the least bit nervous. On the contrary, he had played a lot better than he would have expected, considering his poor exercise. But feeling her gaze on him, he had just closed his eyes and played in some kind of trance where everything had just come easy. _Like sleepwalking_.

"So, do you take all your dates there to impress them by playing spanish guitar?" she had asked on the way home, sitting in his car again.

"First of all I've never taken anyone there before," he had answered, not taking his eyes off the road. "Second of all I'm not really dating." In fact he had not been on any date since he had started working for the government. "And I didn't want to impress you. I just wanted to show you that there's more to me than the guy you're delegating stuff to at work."

He had given her a quick side glance and she had watched him with that curious, interested expression again, surprised by his seriousness.

"Well, you sure did," she had said after a moment. "Do you have any other hidden qualities?"

"Some," he had answered in self-confidence and she had replied: "Then I guess I'm looking forward to next time."

The next time he had dragged her into a bowling hall and afterwards to a Taco bar.

"So bowling isn't really your thing. If you ever start a second career you should stick to the guitar," she had commented jokingly over dinner, refering to his poor play. "So where's the hidden talent here?"

"Well, I made you laugh, didn't I?" he had replied and she had cast her eyes down and smiled before looking at him again.

"Yes, you did."

They had been quiet for a while but again it had been a comfortable silence. And when he had stopped the car once again in front of her place later that night, she had turned to him with an unfamiliar soft expression.

"I don't know how you do it but..." she had started but cut herself short. And instead of struggling for words to finish her sentence, she had looked at him a few seconds longer before leaning in. It had been their first kiss and being the one who had taken initiative, she had also been the one to end it. Slowly, softly, she had pulled her head back and given him another one of those intense looks.

"Thank you," she had said, as simply as that, and gotten out of the car, just as the other times before. Without a goodbye, without a look back. And he had watched her until she had disappeared inside the building and driven home, whistling a little tune.

They had only dated in the weekends, not acting any different throughout the week, except for friday afternoons when they had used to set a time for the following day. They had never talked about it but it had been understood right away that no one at work needed to know. And he had only taken her to places where the risk of running into someone they both knew had been minimal. Another silent agreement was never to talk about work and in the beginning Tony had been worried what to talk about. But each time the conversations had come easier. As had the relaxed, comfortable atmosphere. It seemed to him like she was more and more becoming herself around him, every time she was with him. And only him. There was something schizophrenic to their relation, a whole world between life inside and outside of CTU. But it didn't really bother him. If anything then it gave the whole thing an extra kick. Partly because they had a secret that they shared. But also because every now and then, watching her at work with other people, he would think: _I know something that you don't. I know parts of her no one does. I see her in a way none of you ever will._And even seeing her with Jack didn't make him as jealous anymore, at least most of the time. Cause he would feel superior. _Maybe you fucked her, but I'm the one she's gonna be with when she's happy._

And now she was here. With him. Last night he had picked her up and they had been ice-skating in the stadium, only to find out that they were equally bad at it. Several falls and bruises later he had let her choose between going for dinner to a restaurant or him cooking for her. She had chosen the latter one and they had gone to a supermarket to buy the ingredients for a meal they had never had the time to enjoy.

Not able to withstand any longer he reached out to stroke her hair, disentangle a strand from her forehead. She moved a little bit in her sleep and carefully he withdrew his hand, laid down properly beside her and took a deep breath. _Like sleepwalking_.


	3. chapter 3

**Chapter III**

The elevator stopped and he opened his eyes, finding himself leaning against the wall as if he needed to support his body somehow to keep it from collapsing on the floor. Unaware of standing just the exact same way she had on her way down only minutes earlier.

The doors slid open and he quickly pushed himself off the wall and stepped out onto the corridor. To his right paramedics were just finishing to work on a security guard. He was dead, a shot to the chest. Tony didn't move but his mind staggered back under the realization that this was Nina's work too. And that her betrayal and what she was capable of hurt him more than this man's death. The life of an innocent didn't cause him as much pain as the woman who had taken it. Disgusted with himself he turned away, to his left, and just started walking. At the periphery of his mind he noticed people coming towards him, talking to him or passing by, staring. But he just kept walking, trying to leave everything behind, trying to run. But he couldn't. And as he was just thinking that he had never been the kinda guy to walk away from a situation, it didn't surprise him too much to suddenly find himself walking out in the car park and up to the van in which they were gonna transfer her to the FBI. The small window in the back allowed him a glimpse of her profile before he could make up his mind about whether to see her or not.

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"If you can't deal with it, Tony, then just leave. I'm not keeping you."

Her face showed anger and determination and her eyes flashing she didn't have to point to the door to make her point.

"But I don't wanna leave," he replied, his own anger fading and his voice suddenly soft again. His head was bowed as if he was signalizing surrender and his eyes almost looking up to her he just seemed tired.

It was sunday afternoon and he had showed up at her place, a little earlier than they had agreed on. She had smiled and kissed him but it had been rather fleetingly and he had sensed right away that there had been something on her mind.

"What's wrong?" he had asked, following her inte the living room where she had started to gather up some folders which were spread out on the table to put them on a neat pile. She had obviously been working.

"Nothing," she had said without looking up, "just give me five minutes."

He had stepped beind her and put his arms around her waist, burying his face in her neck. "Take your time," he had whispered softly, avidly absorbing her scent through his nostrils and lingering in the touch of his skin against hers. "Hi."

"Hi," she had returned his more intimate greeting, pausing in her cleaning actions to lean back against him with a silent sigh. "You are early."

"Couldn't wait any longer." In fact he had wanted to come even earlier but forced himself to control his longing. He had held her tight and lingered in the comfort of their closeness. "Why don't you tell me what's bothering you?'

"Nothing, I'm fine," she had replied, her voice revealing a slight trace of impatience or repulse.

"No, you are not," he had insisted, trying to make her turn around and face him. "You are all tensed, I can feel it."

He had meant to comfort her but she had withdrawn herself and turned away from him, back to the table with the folders and files. "Leave it, Tony. I'm fine." Her voice bearing a sharp undertone it had been somewhat of a warning and he had watched her in silence for a moment, considering whether to let it go or not.

"Why do you always have to be like that?" he had asked then, determined to confront her on an issue that had been irritating him for a while already.

"Like what?"

"Like this. Pretending you're fine when you are clearly not. Withdrawing yourself. Shutting me out. I can understand you have to be like that at work, but here, now, I thought we were something else."

His voice had become a little harsher and it had highly irritated him that she hadn't even bothered to look up at him while he had spoken. But finally she had turned around to him again, once more letting go of her paper work.

"And what exactly are we, Tony? What do you want us to be? Cause I'm not the damsel in distress you seem to want to take me for," she had countered just as harsh. "I can take good care of myself and I don't need you to console or comfort me all the time. I've done fine so far."

"Obviously."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

_You've done just fine with Jack._

"Nothing," he had backed off a little. "So what, you think I don't know you are strong and independent and fully capable of getting along on your own? Cause I do, and it's one of the things that made me fall in love with you. But that doesn't mean you can't be weak or hurt sometimes. We all do. It makes us human. And usually it helps when you can turn to someone who cares about you. So why can't you let me be that someone? Why can't you let me in?"

She had just looked at him for a moment, trying to maintain her somewhat contemptuous expression despite the effect his words had had on her. "Maybe because I think you couldn't handle it," she had finally said with a repelling look.

"How do you know if you never try me?" he had replied and after another moment of staring and considering she had given in.

"Alright. I just got off the phone with a friend over at Division," she had told him with a sigh, taking a seat at the table side. "Apparently word is out about me and Jack there."

She had been challenging him by telling him and he had been aware of it, staring back at her, trying not to show a reaction. "Well, you couldn't seriously expect it not to," he had uttered, swallowing everything else that had come to his mind. But her somewhat satisfied expression had told him he hadn't managed to hide his thoughts from her.

"Why don't you just say it, Tony?"

"Okay," he had given in way too quickly. "You want me to say it, I'll say it. I don't understand why you did get involved with him in the first place, alright? I simply don't get it."

"You are jealous," she had stated.

"No, I'm not."

"You are jealous and you feel threatened by him and what we had in the past or maybe still have and that's why this is never gonna work."

"Maybe it would work if you..."

"If I what?" she had cut him short. "If I opened up a little bit? If I gave you specifics about the nature of our relationship? What kind of connection we had and why? If it's really and completely over?"

"Yeah."

She had eyed at him from her chair, her one arm resting on the table, her legs crossed, sitting upright but somehow still at ease. "Whatever went on between Jack and me is entirely our business and has got nothing to do with you," she had declared with a cold, chilly voice. "You told me in the beginning you could deal with it. Now, if you can't deal with it, Tony, then just leave. I'm not keeping you."

_I'm not keeping you._No, she wasn't and if he walked out the door now, she surely wouldn't do anything to stop him. Neither now, nor later. And she wanted him to know. Wanted him to know that he was here on her terms. That he needed her more than she needed him. That he wanted her more than she wanted him. But he wouldn' let her play his mind. He wouldn't let her push him away.

"But I don't wanna leave," he simply stated, almost like a child asking not to be send away. And he could tell by her face this simple gesture had an effect on her, no matter how hard she tried not to show it.

"Then what do you want?" she asked and as if her words had been an invitation he took a step, closing in on the distance between them.

"I wanna stay." Another step. "And I want this to work." Almost there. "And I think it can. If I back off a little and you just let me in a little bit."

He was standing right in front of her now and she still hadn't moved other than lifted her chin slightly to look up at his face. He took it as a kind of silent approval. It was her way of saying: go on. I'm listening. Like a judge listening to the attorney's plea, reserving the right to interrupt or reject.

"We'll just take it from here," he said, lowering down and perching in front of her. He placed his arm beside hers on the table and while the fingers of their hands found each other she asked, with the slightest tone of teasing in her voice: "Here?"

"Right here," he confirmed and his face lit up when he saw her smile.

They didn't leave the apartment that afternoon but in the late evening they decided to go for a ride and take a walk at the beach. It had to pay off eventually to live near the coast even though their job kept them away from it most of the time.

They were strolling the pier , stopping at some point to lean on the balustrade and look out over the water.

"It's not that easy for me to open up, you know," Nina suddenly brought the subject up again. "There are certain things I've never shared with anyone. Things I've always kept to myself. I can't just start changing that all of a sudden."

He wanted to tell her she didn't have to. That he'd give her all the time she needed. That he'd wait. But he sensed there was more to come and didn't want to stifle her speech.

"What Jack and I had was pretty much in line with that. Not much talking. He was never interested in anything besides what he already knew or thought he knew, and I never asked him to give more than that," she explained with her eyes staring into the water, as if diving into the history of her relationship with Jack. "I guess I always knew he would go back to his family while he thought he didn't really know what he wanted. We were just both seeking comfort. Without any obligation to give anything else in return. A thing that happens easily when you work that closely and under such circumstances. We both knew what we gave us into and what the other one needed. What the job requires and the toll it's taking on you."

She blinked and turned her head as if to look at Tony but her eyes remained with the dark surface of the water just below them. "It might not look that way and I know it's hard to understand, and I can't explain it any better, but in a way I got exactly what I wanted out of this."

Finally she looked at him and he examined her face closely before he shook his head. "I bet he did." He scanned the horizon for a moment before his gaze returned to her.

"He just became aware that he rather wanted to be with his family," she said airily but Tony still wondered if she'd rather have him prefered to stay with her. But he didn't ask and was glad she didn't seem to notice the question on his mind. He didn't want to heat things up again. "I still think he's a bastard."

She smiled mildly. "I know you don't like him and don't approve of his work, and I won't ask you to," she said with a piercing look. "But never underestimate him. Whatever you think and whatever some people say: he's good at what he's doing and no one should be mistaken about that. So never underestimate him. Those who did ended up regretting it."

"Or dead," Tony interjected.

"Or dead," she affirmed quietly and her gaze wandered back to the water again, staring into a far distance.

"Hey," he said, trying to capture her attention and when she didn't respond reached out to place his fingers gently under her chin and make her turn to him again. "Hey," he repeated when their eyes locked, "and I don't want you to underestimate me. I'm not gonna let you push me away. I know a part of you wants to because you are scared I could see something you for some reason don't want me to see. But I'm not gonna go away. Cause I know there's also a part of you that likes me and that likes me to stay around," he elucidated insistent. "We'll make this work. And we'll make it something better."

She just looked into his eyes and what he saw in them made him have even more confidence in his own words.

"I have to be careful with you, Tony Almeida," she whispered, breaking into an amused smile. "Sometimes you can see right through me."

"And that's threatening you?" he asked, returning her smile.

"Sometimes," she answered after a second in which she seemed to be inspecting his face to make sure her words were true. "Not tonight."

"Good," he said and leaned in, meeting her lips half the way. _Like sleepwalking_.

"So you fell in love with me?" she asked teasingly when they had parted.

"Like you didn't know that." In the heat of their earlier argument he hadn't even been aware of his words. Their implications, certainly. He had known he was in love with her. But it had been the first time he had said it out loud. The first time he had told her. Not the way he had wanted her to hear it.

"But as you brought it up," he continued, "I think I wanna take that back."

"Take it back?" she smiled. "I'm not sure that's possible."

"Actually I wanna extend it," he clarified. "I think I am done with the falling." _I think I'm in love with you._

The words hang unuttered in the air between them and there was no need to phrase them. He had smiled at her but her face suddenly took on a very serious expression and for a second he was insecure.

"I want you to know one thing," she said, her voice soft but vivid, her eyes piercing his. "Whatever it might look like to you or others, it is definitely over between me and Jack. But we have and will always have a special connection. On a work-related level and as far as it's required even on a personal level. It will just be a little awkward at times to figure out where to draw the line between those two. But that's it. We never had anything like this," she emphasized, "and we never will. And I wouldn't want us to." Another look so intense that he felt like his eyeballs would soon have to melt. "Cause I think I'm falling too."

He was taken aback by her sudden revelation and couldn't but just silently stare at her.

"Okay?" she asked after a moment of examining him.

"Okay," he said, still a bit perplex and she suddenly broke into a smile and teased: "I know I'm a little bit behind , but if you give me some time I will catch up."

"I can live with that," he replied, returning her smile and as his lips found hers again he felt the blood rushing to his head. In the furthest back of his mind he still wondered if she would have prefered Jack if she had stood a chance in the past and the thought of his potential rival would never really let go of him, but for the moment he managed to shut him out. She had just given him all he needed, seconds ago. What more could he ask for. He didn't need anything else.

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There she was. Restrained, sitting with her head and upper body slightly bowed, hands still cuffed behind her back, some blood from the gash on her forehead dripping down on her blouse and jacket. Her face still motionless, the same blank expression. Who was she? And where did the person go he knew so well? Was she really gone? Had she simply disappeared? Or had she never really existed in the first place? Everything just deceptions and lies? Tricks and calculation? If he closed his eyes he could still feel her kiss on his neck, the way he'd woken up yesterday morning, before these horrible 24 hours had happened, her hand softly stroking over his arm and up to his shoulder. But he couldn't close his eyes anymore. He could never see her like that again. Instead he forced himself to keep looking at her through the window, the blood on her forehead, the coldness in her eyes. As if staring at her for just long enough would help him to clear his mind off everything else, burn all the other memories. And maybe it was for that and nothing else that he turned around to one of the agents guarding the van, taking a step towards him and away from the window. Maybe he was seeking the confrontation just to be able to get the old Nina out of his head, replace her with that stranger sitting handcuffed in the car. Or maybe he needed another, a different kind of reassurance. To make sure she was really gone. To make sure there really was no way back or to undo the things that she had done. Maybe he just needed answers. But he would never know.

About to address the agent in charge and demand to talk to her for a minute, he noticed right away something was going on. He had been aware of the sound of the radio while watching Nina, but the content of the messages hadn't made its way into his conscience. Now he took it from the agent's face and the nervous activity suddenly setting in all around them that something else had happened.

"What's going on?"

"There's been two more victims, Sir."

"Two more?" he asked skeptically, dropping his jaw a little bit like he used to.

"Yes, Sir. A security guard on the corridor in sector B and a civilian in a nearby room in the same sector."

Tony swallowed, taking in that Nina had shot two more people on her way out of CTU. "A civilian?" he asked but knew the answer before he had finished the word. The only civilians inside CTU at the time, except for the advance staff, had been Kim and Teri and the latter one had just arrived, alive and well, considering what she had been through. And Teri had been fine too when he had last seen her...

His line of thought was interrupted by the hissing noise of the agent's radio as a calm and casual voice confirmed: "We just received an identification, the civilian casualty is Teri Bauer, the wife of one of the agents involved. Get your suspect out of there asap. I repeat, get the suspect out now."

Tony was sure his heart had stopped beating and something seemed to pull his lungs together, squeezing all the air out while the blood in his veins stopped to circulate. Every second he expected his heart to just burst into a thousand pieces, to shatter like china or porcelain. It wasn't getting ripped out, it would just dissolve into nothing. He turned his head around to the window one more time but she was not in his field of vision any longer.

"You heard it, Sir. We have to leave immediately. Was there anything you wanted?"

Tony met the agent's gaze and after a short moment of hesitation he just shook his head, not capable of saying anything at all. There were no words coming to his mind and nothing left to say for him and while the agent got onto the van, the engine got started and the car finally moved, Tony just stood, not taking his eyes off the van's backdoor and the little window even though he knew he wouldn't catch sight of her again. He wanted to move, to walk, to salvage himself into the corner of the ring where he knew he could collapse and surrender now that the fight was over and everything was lost. But he couldn't. Everything in him was paralyzed and dead.


End file.
